Football is, after all, a wonderful way to get rid of your aggressions without going to jail for it. ~Heywood Hale BrownAcademe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: [from academe] A modern school where football is taught. ~Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's DictionaryMost football players are temperamental. That's 90 percent temper and 10 percent mental. ~Doug PlankLet's face it, you have to have a slightly recessive gene that has a little something to do with the brain to go out on the football field and beat your head against other human beings on a daily basis. ~Tim GreenYou have to play this game like somebody just hit your mother with a two-by-four. ~Dan BirdwellFootball combines the two worst things about America: it is violence punctuated by committee meetings. ~George F. WillPro football is like nuclear warfare. There are no winners, only survivors. ~Frank GiffordThanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. ~Erma BombeckIf a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. ~Erma BombeckIf you're mad at your kid, you can either raise him to be a nose tackle or send him out to play on the freeway. It's about the same. ~Bob GolicAt the base of it was the urge, if you wanted to play football, to knock someone down, that was what the sport was all about, the will to win closely linked with contact. ~George PlimptonBaseball players are smarter than football players. How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field? ~Jim BoutonOne of the great disappointments of a football game is that the cheerleaders never seem to get injured. ~Author UnknownAmerican football makes rugby look like a Tupperware party. ~Sue Lawley, 1985Football is not a contact sport. It's a collision sport. Dancing is a good example of a contact sport. ~Duffy DaughertyWhen I went to Catholic high school in Philadelphia, we just had one coach for football and basketball. He took all of us who turned out and had us run through a forest. The ones who ran into the trees were on the football team. ~George RavelingThe reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public. ~Phyllis DillerBaseball is what we were. Football is what we have become. ~Mary McGroryFootball is not a game but a religion, a metaphysical island of fundamental truth in a highly verbalized, disguised society, a throwback of 30,000 generations of anthropological time. ~Arnold MandellI do not like football, which I think of as a game in which two tractors approach each other from opposite directions and collide. Besides, I have contempt for a game in which players have to wear so much equipment. Men play basketball in their underwear, which seems just right to me. ~Anna Quindlen, Living Out Loud, 1988College football is a sport that bears the same relation to education that bullfighting does to agriculture. ~Elbert HubbardWatching football is like watching pornography. There's plenty of action, and I can't take my eyes off it, but when it's over, I wonder why the hell I spent an afternoon doing it. ~Luke Salisbury